Yesterday after work, my hands were shaking again. It's like my body knows before my mind does. I tried to ignore it at first, but by the time I got home, I felt completely wired and exhausted at the same time. So I changed into something soft and sat on the floor next to my bed. For some reason, the floor feels safer when everything in my head is spinning. I lit a candle I keep for days like this, not for the scent but just to have something to look at. Something steady. Then I put my phone away and just focused on breathing slowly. In through my nose, out through my mouth. Over and over again. It wasn't dramatic. I didn’t cry or have some big realization. But slowly, I could feel my jaw unclench. My shoulders dropped. And I started to feel like I was here again. Not stuck in my thoughts, but actually in my body. That’s what helps me. Coming back to my body. No distractions. No noise. Just noticing that I’m still here.

Today it looked like not forcing myself to go out when I really didn’t want to. I had plans, but my body just said no. So I stayed in, made some tea, and watched the rain from my window. And I didn’t guilt-trip myself about it. That felt kind of huge.

honestly? i don’t even know if i’ve ever really felt safe. like yeah, there were moments, lying on the couch under a blanket while it rained outside, or when my dog used to fall asleep on my lap and i didn’t wanna move even if my leg was numb. but most of the time i’m on edge. like there’s this low buzz in my chest, always waiting for something to go wrong. i think feeling safe means not needing a backup plan in your head every five seconds. it means not overanalyzing a text message or wondering if someone’s mad just because they took too long to reply. i had this one friend, sarah, she made me feel kind of safe. like, i could say dumb stuff and she didn’t flinch. i miss that. maybe feeling safe is just... not having to explain your whole damn self all the time. maybe it’s when you forget to worry.

Some mornings I wake up already feeling like I’m drowning in thoughts. Today was like that. I didn’t even want to get out of bed. My chest felt tight, and everything on my to-do list just looked impossible. I got in the shower and stood there longer than usual, letting the water hit my face, hoping it would wash something away. It didn’t, really. But it gave me a minute to just stand still. I didn’t try to fix everything. I just made a cup of coffee, opened a window for some fresh air, and reminded myself to focus on only the next thing. Not everything. Just the next thing. Sometimes I journal, sometimes I cry, sometimes I walk. Today, I just sat quietly and let it pass through me instead of fighting it. And that was enough.